Like Razors They Cut Through Her Heart

The imagery is exact. The feelings understood. I dont know that my own words could describe the pain better. It is that time of year, my least favourite day, and maybe it crosses the realm of personalness to be shared but this is my life and somehow maybe acknowledging my baggage and pain and sadness is real in this moment it will become a stone for stepping.

So here's the thing, I am very forgetful. Even memorable things fade. Yet somehow I cannot forget a detail of that day. I can tell you what dress I wore. Where I was when I saw I had a voicemail. That I knew something was wrong. I didnt learn anything in the third hour. I felt sick. I walked home and called. I remember trying to understand. Trying not to lose control although the tears poured. I remember hanging up and breaking down on the sidewalk. I remember the exact place I sat. The phone call I made. I remember getting into the car and being taken home. I walked in and got my keys tried to call someone else and with no answer went to their home anyways. I remember the door opening, asking for the mother and her knowing I wasnt okay. I sat with those parents. They werent mine and their daughter who was like a sister was abroad. Yet they were the only place I could go. I remember the texts, eating, watching scrubs and crying with my soulmate. The day is carved like razors through my heart. The pain is still as aching as it was two years ago.

The days and months that followed involved a lot of tears, sleepless nights and seeking comfort. And somehow I never expected that I would still be feeling in that same position. Time is supposed to heal. So why cant it just heal? So today is one of the few days of the year where I decide it is okay to let it hurt. It is okay to feel. It is okay to feel the pain, because it is real. And maybe it has to stay vivid until I learn the right lesson. And maybe it is so I realize how many people in a heartbeat stopped their lives because my world came crashing down. So as sad as I am I feel incredibly blessed that even in those moments when I couldnt imagine feeling more alone I am not.

So as much as it feels like razors I feel a small sense of hope in the sadness because I know that it all has a purpose, I just may not understand it yet.